My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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