Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
