I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
