I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
