if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
