I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
