I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
