If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
