Who did Billy Mays play for?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We need to get me chipped asap
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
