she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
