Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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