My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
