I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
