I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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