So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
