i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize