omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
