I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
