opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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