well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
