my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize