I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
