I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
