If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
