Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
