he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
