Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
if only i could text you this smell
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
sex in a hospital.. check
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
