smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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