I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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