I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
