just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
