Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
