i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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