I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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