Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
