Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
