I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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