i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
