I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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