Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
