Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
