I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
