Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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