happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
