This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
