why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
