I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
