Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
