Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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