Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
