I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
