Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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