grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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