I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
