I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
