It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
