Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
